Sexual health when you start dating again

If you've been in one relationship for years, especially one where contraception was decided as a couple, sexual health can feel like something you last thought about at university. Here's what you need to know now, and where to go. This page points you to NHS services; for advice about your own situation, talk to a clinic, pharmacist or GP.

Where to go for what

For almost everything below, an NHS sexual health clinic is the right first stop. This table shows the usual routes.

Clinics: free, confidential, no referral

NHS sexual health clinics, sometimes called GUM clinics, are free and open to everyone, whatever your age. They're confidential: the NHS says staff won't share what you discuss with your GP without your permission. And you don't need a referral; you can book or, at some clinics, walk in.

According to the NHS, clinics offer:

• tests and treatment for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including HIV testing;
• contraception, including emergency contraception;
• pregnancy tests;
• PrEP and PEP, medicines that help protect against HIV;
• hepatitis A and B and HPV vaccines;
• support after sexual assault.

You'll be asked some personal questions; they're routine, and staff have heard everything. To find a clinic in England, use the NHS clinic finder. In Scotland, NHS inform lists local services. In Wales and Northern Ireland, your local health board or trust website lists clinics.

Testing at home

Many areas offer free home testing kits: you order online, take samples at home, post them back and get results by text or online. How it works depends on where you live. In England, it's arranged by your local council, so what's available varies from place to place. Wales has a national service for people aged 16 and over, and Scotland is rolling home testing out. Start with the clinic finder above, or your local clinic's website, to see what's offered near you.

Home kits are handy for routine checks. If you have symptoms, the NHS points you to a clinic instead.

When to get tested

Sensible times for a check-up:

• before you start sleeping with someone new, so you both start from a known position;
• after unprotected sex with someone new;
• if you or a partner have any symptoms, such as unusual discharge, pain, sores, itching or bleeding;
• if a partner tells you they've tested positive for something;
• regularly, if you're seeing more than one person.

The NHS is blunt about this: many STIs have no symptoms, so you can have one without knowing it. Feeling fine isn't the same as being clear, for you or for the person you're seeing. Until you've both been tested, the NHS advice is to use a condom or dental dam, including for oral sex.

Condoms and contraception

Condoms are the only contraception that also protects against most STIs. Many sexual health clinics give them out free. Keep some in your bag; it removes a moment of awkwardness later.

If your contraception needs have changed since you were last single, perhaps after pregnancy or a long stretch on one method, a clinic or your GP can talk through the options. The NHS contraception guide compares them.

Emergency contraception

Emergency contraception can prevent pregnancy after sex without contraception, or when a condom splits. There are two kinds, and both have time limits, so don't wait to see how you feel.

The NHS emergency contraception page explains how each one works and which might suit you. A pharmacist or clinic will talk it through privately.

If you think you've been exposed to HIV

PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) is emergency HIV medicine. The NHS says it should be started within 72 hours of possible exposure, and it's available from sexual health clinics and A&E. If the condom split with someone whose status you don't know, or you're worried for any other reason, go the same day if you can and say you need PEP.

Talking about it with a date

This is the bit most people dread, and it's usually much less awkward than imagined. A few ways to bring it up (examples, so put them in your own words):

• "Before anything happens, I'd like us both to get a check-up. Is that OK with you?"
• "I'm a condoms-every-time person. Just so you know."
• "When were you last tested?"

How someone responds tells you a lot. Anyone who sulks, pressures you or tries to talk you out of using a condom isn't someone to sleep with. Consent includes the conditions you set, and you can change your mind at any point.

If you're seeing more than one person, or your date is, agree what that means for condoms and testing. Our guide to casual or serious has more on setting ground rules, and your first date after a separation covers the nerves that come before any of this.

If something happened that you didn't agree to

If sex happened without your consent, or a condom was removed without your agreement, it isn't your fault. Sexual health clinics offer emergency contraception, testing and support after sexual assault. Rape Crisis England and Wales runs a free 24/7 support line on 0808 500 2222, and Rape Crisis Scotland's helpline is 08088 01 03 02. You can get support whether or not you report it to the police. Our first-meeting checklist and safety page list who else can help.

For the practical side of dating again, including keeping it private, see our other guides.