A first-meeting safety checklist for single mums

Most first dates are lovely, slightly awkward and completely safe. This checklist is for the small number that aren't, and for the peace of mind that lets you relax on all the others. It takes about ten minutes, and most of it you only have to set up once.

The ten-minute checklist

If you only read one part of this page, read this. Each step is explained further down.

1. Chat in the members area first, and keep your mobile number back for now.
2. Video call once, even for five minutes.
3. Do a light search on their first name and one of their photos.
4. Pick a busy, public place you know, away from your home and the school.
5. Book your own way there and back.
6. Send a friend the who, where and when, and agree a check-in time.
7. Keep your surname, address and children's details to yourself.
8. Buy your own drinks and keep them with you.
9. Never send money, whatever the reason.
10. Message your friend when you're home.

Before you agree to meet

A few checks before the date tell you whether the person matches their profile. None of them is rude, and anyone worth meeting will understand.

• Chat on the site first. Keep messages in the members area until you've met. You don't need to hand over your mobile number to arrange a coffee, and if things go wrong, the conversation is where you can report it.
• Video call once. Even five minutes confirms they look like their photos and can hold a conversation. Someone who always has a reason not to is a warning sign.
• Search them, lightly. If they've shared a first name and a job, a quick search can confirm the basics. A reverse image search on one of their photos can show whether it belongs to someone else.
• Check the story holds together. Details that shift between messages are worth noticing. What members write about themselves isn't checked by anyone, and an optional ID badge only confirms identity, not honesty.
• Never send money. Not for a train ticket, a phone bill or an emergency. Our safety page lists the common scam patterns.

If asking for a video call feels awkward, something like this works (an example, so change it to sound like you): "Before I book a sitter, fancy a quick video chat one evening this week? Ten minutes, and then we'll know we're not both catfish."

Choosing the place and time

The right place is busy, public and familiar to you, and far enough from home that you won't bump into the school-gate crowd. Daytime is easiest of all.

A familiar place means you know the layout, the staff and the way home. A neutral one in another part of town keeps your local area private; our guide to keeping dating private explains more. School-hours coffee and lunch dates also fit neatly around the kids, and dating around childcare has more ideas.

Tell a friend

Telling one trusted person where you are is the single most useful thing on this list. Send them:

• your date's first name, username and a photo;
• where you're going and what time;
• when you'll message to say you're fine, and what they should do if you don't.

An example check-in message: "Meeting Sam (username on the site, photo attached) at the café on the high street, 7pm. I'll text you by 9.30. If you hear nothing, ring me, then ring the café." Then actually send the check-in. Sharing your live location with that friend for the evening, using your phone's built-in location sharing, is another easy step.

During the date

On the date itself, keep control of three things: your journey, your drink and your personal details.

• Get yourself there and back. Your own car, public transport or a booked taxi. Not a lift from your date.
• Watch your drink. Buy your own, keep it with you, and if you leave it, get a fresh one. Pace yourself; you'll want a clear head for the journey home and the morning after.
• Keep the details back. Your surname, address, the children's names and school, and which days they're with their dad can all wait until you know someone much better.
• You can leave at any time. You don't owe anyone a full evening because they bought a drink. "I'm going to head off" is a complete sentence.
• Consent is ongoing. Agreeing to a date isn't agreeing to anything else, and a yes to one thing can become a no at any point, for either of you.

Signs to leave early include pressure to move somewhere private, pushing more drinks on you, anger when you say no to something small, and a sudden interest in where you live or when the children are away.

Getting home, and after

Message your friend when you're home. If the date went well and you want to see them again, carry on as before: the second date is still early, and so is the third. If it went further than you planned, our sexual health guide covers free, confidential NHS testing and emergency contraception, which has time limits counted in days.

Can you check someone's past?

If a relationship carries on beyond a few dates, you can ask the police about a partner's history of abuse. These schemes are for people you're seeing, not for vetting a first coffee.

• England and Wales: the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, often called Clare's Law, lets you ask whether a partner has a record of abusive or violent behaviour. Call 101 or visit a police station.
• Scotland: the Disclosure Scheme for Domestic Abuse Scotland lets you ask about your own partner, or someone else's. Apply through Police Scotland's form, by calling 101 or at a police office.
• Northern Ireland: call the PSNI on 101 and ask about its domestic abuse disclosure scheme.

The police decide what they can share. A separate scheme covers anyone who will have contact with your children; our guide to whether a casual partner should meet your kids explains it.

If something goes wrong

Act on the most urgent thing first: your safety now, then your money, then the report.

If something happened that you didn't consent to, it is not your fault, whatever you'd agreed to earlier or had to drink. Rape Crisis offers free, confidential support, whether or not you choose to report to the police.

Report the member to the members help centre as well, with their username and what happened, so others are protected.