Your first date after a separation: what to expect

The first date after a long relationship ends is rarely just a date. It's also a small, private announcement to yourself that life is moving on. That can feel brilliant, and it can also catch you off guard.

How do you know you're ready to date again?

You're probably ready when you're curious about meeting someone for its own sake, not to prove something or to fix how you feel. There's no correct waiting time; readiness shows up in how you think about a date, not in the months since you split.

Some signs you're ready to try:

• you're curious about meeting someone, not hoping to prove something to your ex;
• you can imagine a date going nowhere and being fine about it;
• you have some practical headroom: childcare sorted, a free afternoon, enough energy to enjoy it;
• you're not hoping a new person will fix how you feel.

Some signs to give it a little longer:

• most conversations you have still end up being about your ex;
• you want to date mainly so your ex hears about it;
• the idea of a bad date feels like it would knock you flat.

If you're unsure, that's fine. Setting up a profile and browsing on Casual Mums costs nothing, and you can chat for a while before you decide to meet anyone. How it works explains the steps, and casual or serious helps you work out what you're looking for.

Mixed feelings are normal

You may feel excited on the way there and sad on the way home. That's normal: a big chapter of your life has closed and your feelings are catching up.

You may feel guilty, even if the separation was the right thing. You may notice yourself comparing your date with your ex, for better or worse. You may feel oddly like a teenager. None of that means you shouldn't be dating.

Keep the first one simple

A short, daytime date takes the pressure off: coffee, lunch, or a walk through somewhere busy. You'll be home before you've had time to overthink it, and if it goes well, there'll be a second.

A first-date plan for after a long gap

1. Chat on the site first for long enough to get a feel for the person.
2. Have a short video call before meeting. It's the simplest way to check someone is who they say they are.
3. Pick a public place you know, at a time with a natural end.
4. Tell a friend who you're meeting, where and when you'll check in.
5. Make your own way there and back, and keep your address to yourself.
6. Keep money out of it. Anyone who asks for money, however good the story, isn't a date.

The first-meeting checklist has the full list. If you last dated before smartphones, our safety page explains the scams to watch for and who to report them to.

What should you say about your ex on a first date?

A sentence or two, then change the subject. Your date will probably ask, and you'll probably want to mention it, but the date will be better if it's about the two people at the table.

An example, to adapt: "I separated last year. We co-parent, it's going fine, and I'm looking for something light." That covers when, how things stand and what you want.

What to avoid on a first date:

• the full story of the break-up;
• criticising your ex at length, however deserved;
• asking your date for their opinion on it;
• comparing your date to your ex out loud, even favourably.

If your date talks about their own ex for most of the evening, that's useful information too.

Keeping it from the children for now

Keep dates for times the children are with their other parent, at school or with a sitter, and keep the person you're seeing out of their lives. After a separation, children are already adjusting to two homes, new routines and a lot of change.

A new adult in the picture, even a casual one, is more for them to process, and casual partners shouldn't meet your children at all. Our guide on whether a casual partner should meet your kids explains why, and what changes if something becomes a long-term relationship. Our guide to dating around childcare covers finding the time.

Your ex isn't owed details of your casual dating. Our guide to keeping dating private covers phones, social media and what to do if an ex starts monitoring you.

Where the law fits

Dating while separated is common and, in itself, not illegal anywhere in the UK. If you're still married or in a civil partnership, it helps to know how divorce works where you live. This is general information, not legal advice.

Separately, if arrangements for the children are disputed or going through court anywhere in the UK, a new partner can become part of the conversation. If you're in that position, speak to a family solicitor before introducing anyone to your children, and keep your dating life quiet and sensible in the meantime. In England and Wales, GOV.UK explains how to agree child arrangements without court, including mediation.

Support for you, not just the dating

Dating can be part of moving on, but it isn't a substitute for support. If the sadness is heavy or doesn't lift, there's help that isn't a date.

• Your GP, if you've felt low or anxious most days for a couple of weeks or more.
• NHS Talking Therapies in England, which you can refer yourself to without a GP.
• Relate and, in Scotland, Relationships Scotland, for relationship and family counselling, including after a break-up.
• Samaritans on 116 123, free, any time of day or night.

If your ex is threatening, controlling or frightening you, the safety page linked above lists the domestic abuse helplines for each part of the UK. In an emergency, call 999.

After the date

However it went, you did it. If it was lovely, enjoy it and take the next step slowly. If it was flat, that's normal for any first date, and it doesn't mean you're out of practice for good.

If you'd like to see them again, say so simply: "I had a really nice time. Fancy doing it again on the 14th?" If you wouldn't, a short, kind message is enough. Our guide to confidence after children has more on getting back into your stride.