Casual or serious: deciding what you want as a parent

After children, and especially after a separation, "what do I want?" can be surprisingly hard to answer. You may have spent years organising everyone else's wants. Here's a way to work out yours, and to keep things fair once you have.

What does casual dating mean for a parent?

Casual dating is seeing someone for company, fun or sex without planning a future together or merging your lives. For a parent, it also means the person you're seeing isn't part of your children's lives at all.

Casual is a wide word. For some people it's a regular date every other weekend with no plans beyond the next one. For others it's an occasional night out, or a friendship with flirting and sex in it. What makes it casual isn't how often you meet but what you don't do: you don't plan a future, you don't meet each other's families, and you don't bring each other home to the children.

That last point is the big one. It's what makes casual simpler, and it's also what keeps it kind, to your children and to the person you're seeing.

Casual, serious or somewhere in between

Most people sit somewhere on a scale rather than at one end. This table is a rough guide, not a set of boxes to tick.

If you find yourself in the bottom row, you're looking for a relationship, which is a different thing and deserves a different conversation. Casual Mums is built for the top three.

Questions to ask yourself first

Before you write a profile, it helps to be honest with yourself about a few things. There are no right answers.

• What do I have room for? If your evenings are already taken up by work, homework and laundry, a relationship that needs regular attention may feel like another job.
• Am I looking for company, fun, sex or a partner? Any of these is fine. They're just different things to ask for.
• How would I feel if they were seeing someone else? If the honest answer is "terrible", you may want more than casual, or at least want exclusivity.
• Do I want this person around my children, ever? If the answer is "not for the foreseeable", that's a strong sign casual suits you right now.
• Am I dating to feel better about a break-up? That's common and not wrong, but worth knowing. Our guide to your first date after a separation covers it.

Who casual suits, and who it might not

Casual tends to suit mums who:

• have limited, unpredictable free time and don't want another commitment to manage;
• want adult company, affection or sex without changing their children's routine;
• have recently separated and aren't ready to plan a future with anyone;
• feel clear-headed about keeping dating and family life apart.

It may not suit you right now if:

• you're hoping casual will quietly turn into a relationship with someone who has said it won't;
• you find it hard not to check your phone or feel jealous between dates;
• you're dating mainly to fill a gap that's really about loneliness or grief, and a bad date would knock you badly.

None of that is permanent. Plenty of mums find their answer changes over a year, or a term.

How do you say you only want something casual?

Say it early and plainly, in your profile and again before you meet. The kindest thing you can do in casual dating is be clear before anyone has a chance to build up hopes.

Some example lines, to adapt rather than copy:

• "I'm a mum of two, not looking for a stepdad, looking for someone to have a good time with on the weekends I'm free."
• "I want something light and regular. I keep dating completely separate from my children."
• "Not after anything serious right now. Happy to see where things go, slowly."

Then listen to what comes back. If they want a relationship and you don't, that's a mismatch, not a challenge to overcome. Our guide to confidence after children has more on writing a profile that sounds like you.

Ground rules that keep it fair

Casual works when both people know the rules and the rules are agreed rather than assumed. These are the five worth talking about, ideally before the second date.

1. Exclusivity. Is either of you seeing other people? You don't need details, just the arrangement.
2. Contact. How often do you message between dates? A bit of chat is nice; constant messaging can quietly turn casual into something else.
3. Privacy. No tagging, no meeting each other's friends, no turning up at the house. Our guide to keeping dating private has the full list.
4. The children. Off-limits. Not met, not discussed in detail, not part of the arrangement.
5. Consent. Agreeing to a date isn't agreeing to anything else, and either of you can change your mind at any point, including halfway through an evening.

Exclusivity and sexual health

If either of you is seeing other people, sexual health is part of the agreement, not an awkward extra. Use condoms, and get checked when you start with someone new. NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential, and you don't need a GP referral. Our sexual health guide explains clinics, home testing and how to bring it up.

Warning signs that it isn't casual for them

Sometimes the other person agrees to casual but behaves as if it's something else. Notice it if they:

• ask about your children, their names, school or routine, or offer to meet them or help with them;
• want to come to your home when the children are there;
• get jealous or resentful about your time with your family or friends;
• push for more contact than you agreed, or sulk when plans change.

The first two are about your children's safety, not just your preferences: stop and think hard before seeing that person again. Our safety page explains why an unusual interest in your children is worth acting on.

When it starts to change

Feelings don't always follow the plan. If you notice you're checking your phone more, or feeling a pang when they mention someone else, it's time for an honest conversation rather than a slow fade.

There are three good outcomes: you both want more and change the arrangement; you both want to keep it as it is and adjust; or one of you wants more and you end it kindly. The bad outcome is pretending nothing has changed.

An example of ending it kindly, to adapt:

"I've really enjoyed this, and I think I'm starting to want more than we agreed. I'd rather stop now while it's still good than make it complicated. Thank you for being lovely."

If it grows into something serious and you start wondering about introductions, read should a casual partner meet your kids? before you decide anything.

If you want something serious after all

That's fine too. Some mums start casual and realise they'd like a partner; some start out looking for one and find casual suits them better. Your answer can change. What matters is being honest about it, to yourself first and then to the people you date.

How Casual Mums works explains what the site offers, so you can decide whether it fits what you want now. Joining, making a profile and browsing are free, which gives you time to think before you talk to anyone.