Getting your dating confidence back after children

Plenty of mums arrive back at dating feeling like they've been away for a decade, sometimes because they have. Confidence tends to come back in small steps, and mostly from doing things rather than waiting to feel ready.

Your body has changed. So has everyone's.

It's normal to feel unsure about being seen, or touched, by someone new after children. Pregnancy, birth, feeding, broken sleep and years of eating cold toast all leave their mark, and the people you'll meet know that.

A few things worth remembering:

• The people on Casual Mums want to date a mum. That's the premise. They're not expecting someone who's never had a child.
• Most of them are carrying their own insecurities, about their bodies, their age or their divorce. You're not the only nervous one at the table.
• You set the pace. A date is a drink or a walk. Anything beyond that happens when, and only if, you both want it.

If it's physical, not just self-consciousness

Discomfort or pain during sex after having a baby is common, and you don't have to put up with it. The NHS suggests a lubricant if hormonal changes have made you drier, and says to raise pain that carries on at your postnatal check or with your GP.

If your baby is still small, the NHS also points out that you can get pregnant from three weeks after giving birth, including while breastfeeding and before your periods return. Sort contraception before it matters; our sexual health guide covers free NHS options, condoms and emergency contraception.

Flirting is a skill, and skills come back

Flirting returns faster than you think, and messages are the easiest place to practise because you have time to think. If you've spent years talking mainly to children and colleagues, it can feel like a language you used to speak.

Start in messages:

• ask questions that go beyond "how was your day";
• notice something specific in their profile and comment on it;
• be a little playful, and see whether they play back;
• say what you like about them, plainly. A specific compliment does more than a clever line.

An example opener, to show the idea: "You said you'd rather be on a beach in Cornwall than anywhere else. Which beach? I need to know if we can be friends." Light, specific and easy to answer.

There's no script, and you don't need one. Warmth and curiosity do most of the work.

Photos you actually like

Your photos are the first thing people see, so use recent ones you like, with no children in them and none you've already posted on social media. They're also the thing most mums put off.

Avoid photos you've used on Facebook, Instagram or LinkedIn, which a reverse image search can match to your real name. Our guide to keeping dating private explains why. Every photo on Casual Mums is reviewed; how it works explains what's allowed.

A profile that sounds like you

A good profile is short, specific and honest about what you want. You don't need to sell yourself, only give someone a reason to say hello.

An example of the tone (not a real member's profile): "Mum of two, work in healthcare, terrible at quizzes but I'll still enter. Free most other weekends and the odd lunchtime. Looking for something fun and easy-going with someone kind. My kids stay out of it."

Notice what it doesn't include: names, ages, the school, an employer, a job title someone could look up, or exact days. Our guide on casual or serious has more wording for saying what you want.

Saying what you want

Confidence isn't only about how you look. It's also about asking for what you want, which can be hard after years of putting everyone else first.

On a casual dating site, that means being clear about the kind of arrangement you're after, how often you can realistically meet, and what's off-limits: your children, your home, your social media. Saying it early doesn't make you demanding. It makes you easy to date.

It also means being clear in the moment. You can say yes to a second drink and no to anything else, or yes to something and then change your mind. Consent is ongoing, for both of you, and anyone who makes you feel awkward about that isn't worth a second date.

First-date nerves: a simple plan

Nerves ease when the logistics are already sorted, because your head is free for the conversation. Here's a plan you can reuse.

1. The day before: confirm the time and place on the site, sort childcare, and tell a friend where you'll be. The first-meeting checklist covers what to share.
2. Choose a short slot: coffee or lunch with a natural end. Our guide to dating around childcare has ideas that fit the school day.
3. Pick somewhere you know. Familiar surroundings take the edge off.
4. Have two or three things to talk about that aren't your children or your ex: a trip, a book, something you've always wanted to try.
5. Agree an end time at the start, lightly: "I've got until two."
6. Afterwards, message your friend that you're on your way home, then decide how you feel tomorrow, not on the bus.

If there's no spark, you've still had a coffee with an adult and remembered you can do this.

When it doesn't go well

Some dates are dull, some people stop replying and occasionally someone is rude. None of that is a verdict on you as a woman or a mother; casual dating means meeting people who aren't a fit, and that's the point of meeting them.

If you're the one who isn't interested, a short, kind message is enough. For example: "Thanks for today, I enjoyed the chat, but I didn't feel the spark. Good luck with it all." You don't owe a longer explanation.

Give yourself a rule for setbacks: one evening of feeling fed up, then back to it, or not, as you choose. You're allowed to take a break whenever you like, and a profile can sit quietly while you do.

When low confidence is something more

If you've felt low, anxious or flat most days for more than a couple of weeks, that's worth more than dating advice. Talk to your GP or health visitor. In England you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies without going through your GP.

If you're struggling right now, Samaritans are free to call on 116 123, day or night. Dating can wait until you feel steadier.

You don't have to feel ready

Very few people feel completely ready. If you're curious and you've got a free afternoon coming up, that's usually enough. If you're dating for the first time since a break-up, our guide to your first date after a separation covers the feelings that can come with it.